Waiting on The Last of Us

This is a part of a two part series that I intend to publish from my daily journals in my last semester at UVA:

2-29-2020 I was thinking of proposing to Mom that we go to California instead of Ireland this summer, but with fears of the coronavirus being on my mind because my friend Buck mentioned it at the dining hall last night, I don’t know if I want to travel anywhere. I’m afraid of this bug. I did edit the Wikipedia page on the misinformation regarding this outbreak, though; there were a lot of small typos or grammatical errors on the page.

3-2-2020 If you’re reading this in a post-pandemic, Last of Us-style world in which the coronavirus wiped out civilization as we know it (yet somehow have access to a computer, though maybe you’ve got a printed-out version, I guess), just know that I actually am concerned about it. Part of it not being mentioned in here is because my news-media blackout is still in effect, and therefore I haven’t had to think about it all the time. Watching Last Week Tonight’s video on it, however, put it into a new perspective: 40 to 70% of the world is projected to get it at some point, like the flu. In fact, I’m reminded of the swine flu panic in 2009, something which I still remember more than a decade later. I remember hearing H1N1, and getting a form about this before entering middle school. That was a big thing back then. The thing is, the fatality rate was 0.08% percent at most, where current estimates of the coronavirus are that it has a 2% fatality. Assuming that the figure of 70% is true, and that the world population currently stands at about 7.5 billion, that means about 5.25 billion (with a b) will get it. If the 2% fatality is true, then that gives us 105 million people dead. Now it’s not clear where the losses would be greatest, from my understanding, but the concern shouldn’t be only regarding fatality. One of the biggest inspirations for The Last of Us video game was the way the Spanish flu pandemic was dealt with in 1918, how people became xenophobic and generally fearful of one another. Putting numbers on it helps me put it into perspective, and knowing I, as a young, mostly healthy person am at much less risk of dying from it if I do contract it than someone who is elderly or vulnerable is comforting, but that doesn’t make it any less of a public-health concern societally. I’m in a really good mood otherwise, in part because I think I’ve learned to live as I can. I also have a creative outlet to express my feelings on these issues. I’ll see you tomorrow.

3-4-2020 I think the coronavirus fears are spilling into my personal life. I’m afraid to die. I’m afraid that I’ll lose people I love because of it. I’m afraid. It feels like whenever I have the chance of happiness and hope, something comes along to squash it. I can’t try to focus on the positives because it’s as if everything is off-bounds: public spaces, large crowds, thoughts of the future, everything and the freaking cherry on top.

3-13-2020 I realized that reading the comic-book series Y: The Last Man is interestingly appropriate in the time of coronavirus. In a long reading frenzy yesterday, I went through the fourth and then fifth (and final) volume of the series, after having picked up the fourth volume from UVA on Wednesday, one of the books that I brought back with me when I went to get stuff I needed for school.

I wonder if coronavirus is going to hurt sales for The Last of Us Part II, though it’s got such a loyal following that I’d be surprised. Maybe they’ll push the release date back, but I really hope not. Sometimes people need art to comfort them, and I really need to know there are still good things in this world I’ve grown to hate even more than I used to. No, not hate. Much of my outrage is a mask for a deeper-seated emotion, as I think much outrage is: fear. “Rage against the dying of the light,” in the words of Dylan Thomas, but we rage against it because we’re afraid of the darkness that comes after the death of the light. I know I am. More universities and schools have closed in the wake of this outbreak, and it’s definitely going to show itself in the months and years to come. Students missing class, having to move the classroom online, the logistical nightmare of students who don’t have access to tech or the Internet, and other issues. There will be a cultural and economic mark from this that will last a lot longer in the world than the outbreak itself will. I may be part of the first UVA class to ever delay or cancel graduation ceremonies because of a virus. It’s the right decision that everyone’s been making. I’m just sad it has to be made. I’m also sad that I’ve been turning into a mental blob recently. I need to go for walks, eat, work, do things that make me happy. YouTube can only do that for so long.

3-18-2020 So, in-person classes were officially canceled for the rest of the semester, which means the Class of 2020 will be finishing its final semester of undergraduate education online. Also, the graduation ceremony, also known as Final Exercises, will not be held as originally planned, though we have no indication of when they or an alternative will be held, which is understandable under the ever-changing circumstances that the coronavirus pandemic presents. Last night, Mom compared how she felt to when 9/11 happened, and it felt like the entire world stopped. I’m not worried about the possibility of me dying (though I am worried about my elder relatives), so I’m not anxious. More so, I’m just disrupted, trying to deal with all of this like everyone else is. It does feel different, but I’ve adjusted much better than I expected I would, especially considering the quick spread of these closures and such. I’m sad that I won’t get to say a proper goodbye to some people I’ve known in some way over the past four years, and it feels like we’ve just been told to cut things short. Whereas we expected to have two more months to say goodbye, we’ve just had to say goodbye to everything in an instant. That makes me sad. I’m tired of people (Jim Ryan, professors, fellow students) saying sorry or expressing that they understand how we feel. I believe them, but I’m tired of hearing that. We all know it sucks, stop re-traumatizing us by reminding us how sad we are or should feel. You know, I’ve gotten lucky in that I’ve been shielded from most of the problems brought on by this virus. I can do classes remotely, I’ve got good Internet and technology, and we’re doing all right financially. I can’t imagine what a burden this places on people with pre-college kids or who can’t work remotely. I need to remind myself of what I have and be grateful for that. This all could be a lot worse for me.

3-21-2020 I don’t think there’s much to give you regarding my experiences of living in a world with coronavirus right now. Yes, California, Illinois, and other states are currently in a quarantine of some sort, stores are closing, businesses are suffering, and a lot of vulnerable people are threatened by this. However, I’m not suffering. I’ve gotten used to this quarantine situation, I don’t have any online classes until Wednesday, and I also have few assignments to worry about at the moment. I’m doing all right. I recognize that the impact of this time is going to be felt far into the future, but I don’t know what to say about that.

I’ve spent the day doing some cleaning up in my room, and I’m still in the process of doing that as I write this. There’s a satisfaction in cleaning, but for some reason the urge to clean up had been absent for me. I’ve reorganized my books, so that my shelves are once again clean and fully organized. Aside from one of them, I disassembled all my course packets and recycled all the paper. It was a lot. You know, it’s hard to believe that I won’t need school supplies anymore. I’m taking apart old notebooks and am taking the leftover paper in there, plus whatever loose leaf paper I have left, and am going to donate to someplace that collects school supplies. The rest of the paper would be at school, but I’ll collect it some point in the future, whenever that happens. 3-24-2020 Almost two weeks into this pandemic, and it’s definitely been weird for me, though not always in the ways you might expect it to be weird. The weirdness I’m focused on at the moment is the fact that I’m adjusting better than I expected, though that again isn’t to minimize the very real impacts of this virus. The thing is, I can’t figure out why this isn’t bothering me. I keep hearing about how people are anxious about this, and how these are anxious times and such, but somehow I don’t at all feel like that. Maybe it’s because I’m relatively divorced from the economic impacts, and also I haven’t yet known anyone who’s gotten the virus. I genuinely don’t have any clue why I currently feel the way I do. I guess I shouldn’t complain.

3-31-2020 Coordinating academic group work is difficult enough during a pandemic, and I’m trying to coordinate group fun, which may be easier or harder, but I have no idea what it will be at this stage. I’m trying to coordinate a group of my UVA friends to get together to play Skribblio, which is a Pictionary-type game online. My idea is that we have audio chat on while we do it, because it really is so much more fun when you can talk to the people as you do it.

I can say with confidence that March 2020 has (so far) been the most disruptive month I’ve experienced since going to UVA, and almost certainly the most since the Great Recession began in 2007/2008.

4-6-2020 It’s been really difficult for me; every email I get from UVA or its staff is talking about how sad this all is and how sorry they are for us. I’m tired of it. Maybe I’m in denial, but that’s what I want to be. I don’t have the mental energy to be upset anymore. Now, I’m just tired. There’s a part of me, deep inside, that clamors to jolt forth and scream, but I know that in the end being angry does nothing, and that I’m confronting a problem that really isn’t any one person’s fault. I’ve decided that, if nothing else, I’m not going back for graduation. I’m going to get the rest of my stuff, when I’m able to do that, and then it’s goodbye UVA. My academic life ends not with a bang but with a whimper.

4-9-2020 I expected this news, but at the same time, it’s disappointing regardless; The Last of Us Part II has been delayed “indefinitely,” though the game’s apparently mostly done. They were in the process of fixing some bugs when COVID 19 hit hard last month. This hopefully means that they’ll release it no too long after this thing lets up, whenever that’ll be. I was hoping it could be something that could make this time easier, you know, at least looking forward to it, but I’m sympathetic to their position, and completely understand why they made the decision they did. As a note, I’ve gone from calling the virus “coronavirus” to COVID 19 because the former term is more general, and I wish to be as specific as possible when referring to this thing. It’ll also be confusing if we have a future outbreak and we call it the same thing when it’s a different strain, assuming that’s the case. Also, I am worried about this thing, and while I don’t think I need to make that any clearer than I already have, I reiterate it for the sole purpose of assuring you, future readers, that I am, in fact, concerned. I’ve been hearing about younger people dying from this, even though the majority of deaths occur in vulnerable populations (so when I say “younger,” I’m using it in an admittedly ableist way, though that wasn’t my intent). I just…I really have gone numb to the whole thing, and that’s not a great sign.

I feel myself anxious about my work, but in this time of quarantine, I also feel myself in a state of productivity which is rare for me to experience. I don’t know whether to see this as a silver lining to this catastrophe or not.

More to come.

~R. J. Ten