Keep the Phone Line Open

My boyfriend and I were friends for about a year and a half.

Late February

We began dating after a weird back and forth. There was the whole “Yeah, I like him but-” and, “Yeah, she's nice and all but-” period. We had been “talking” for a few weeks before we decided to make it official. I was surprised because I had never had a relationship come so easily to me. We both are in the same music club and share interests such as cooking and baking (well, he’s a better cook, I’m the better baker) and hiking and being outside, so it was always easy to find something to do together. When we first started talking, we texted a lot because our paths didn’t naturally intersect often, so it was the easiest form of communication. After we started visiting more often and having each other over for dinner, we stopped texting as much. It was fine because we were seeing each other in person every other day back then, so it didn’t feel like we had to text. We weren’t planning on seeing each other over spring break because we were anticipating to come back to Grounds in two weeks.

March

The COVID-19 outbreak changed those plans. With school closing, he came back to Grounds to visit with me for a bit, and then we went our separate ways.

At this point, we had only been officially dating for three weeks. I felt like I was in a difficult situation, as we hadn’t really developed our relationship much. I felt silly expressing that I missed him. At the same time, I also did miss him and wanted to talk to him. The first two weeks or so were okay; we would call two times a week, and we used the Netflix Party extension to continue to watch Stranger Things. I also managed to convince him to download Trivia Crack. Ever since, we have been locked in a heated battle to see who can win the most games (presently, I am winning 18 to 16).

Late March

After we “celebrated” our one-month anniversary (and my half-birthday, he pointed out) with a phone call, we started to lose touch. We began to run out of things to talk about on the phone. There isn’t really much to talk about when you’re stuck in your house all day working. He never liked texting; he just did it to start the relationship. Back then, we didn’t text often. I began to become mildly upset with him because he wasn’t talking to me. It seems silly, but I felt like, Yeah, we can’t see each other, and you have schoolwork. But it wouldn’t kill you to say, “Hello,” or, “Hope you’re having a nice day,” every once in a while. I ended up expressing how I felt to him, and we had a conversation that I think satisfied him.

But it made me feel a bit worse. He was content with how our relationship was progressing. And I felt it was not progressing as it would if we were together. We still had that new relationship feel; I was so excited to be with someone--with him--but somehow I could not really get to be with him. By the time we got back to grounds, would we truly have been dating for 6 months?

The Future

I’m stuck at an impasse right now because I still care about him and think that I would like to be with him when (if) we go back to Grounds in the Fall. But it also hurts that he seems to not really care about maintaining relations now. To me, this is a time when I feel like it is more important than ever to maintain and nurture relationships in all aspects of life. And since there isn’t much to think about other than the crippling fear of the coronavirus and how stressed I am about not being able to manage all of my classes online, I’ve been over analyzing the situation a lot. I feel like if he isn’t willing to put effort in currently, then I should stop as well. And that would mean that we should just break up.

This thought is a little silly because we haven’t even been dating for two complete months. At the same time, so much has happened. I have to remind myself that it just feels like a long time. It is not reasonable to expect him to want to maintain a relationship without physical interaction or real dates, so I feel like I just have too high expectations presently. I may just need to knock it off. I can spiral for hours thinking about this relationship, which is pointless. In reality, it isn't that important. But right now, too many things are changing and so much is left without answers. I just wanted to have this be definite.

Maybe I’ll just paint another wall in my bedroom cow-print instead. Boys are temporary, cow-print walls are forever, right?

~R. S.